To Whomsoever It May Concern

This is just a vent for my frustration - I know this really makes zilch difference to the issue at hand.

Dear Prime Minister's Office,

First off, congratulations for heading one of the most openly recognized corrupt Governments in recent history. An achievement that requires dedication, hard work, perseverance and of course, the X-factor which only the Congress Party can provide. After Kalmadi and Raja have had a field day with what used to be called as public money and after our beloved 'son of the soil' Rahul Gandhi has clearly and conclusively demonstrated why he should never be given the keys to his own apartment, you've managed to surpass all my expectations in one masterstroke.

Sachin Tendulkar is one of God's gifts to India. On this particular aspect, I want to make it clear that it is not an opinion or an argument being put forward, but an established and inarguable fact. Of course, with the entire (pseudo) secularism that is being spewed by Digvijaya Singh and the like, I should perhaps qualify that statement as Tendulkar is the Holy Father's / Allah's gift to India. I do not care if the news that was leaked was a rumor or not. Once there is this talk about presenting him with the highest civilian honor amongst the public and/or the media, the graceful (and respectful to Sachin) thing that you can do is to just go ahead and confer the honor on him. Sachin who has brought joy and pride to countless Indians deserves at least this much. Whether a player who plays for a club team (BCCI is not a Government organization - On a parallel track, thank God for that or else Sachin would have had to pay a bribe to the Sports Minister to have gotten into the team in the first place) deserves the highest civilian honor is a moot point as you have on multiple occasions conveniently recognized the BCCI Cricket team's achievements as possible and probable cause for National pride.

Bowing to this public pressure would surely not rank as one of your worst decisions in the last so many years. I understand that your blatant pandering to vote bank politics means that Kalmadi is removed from his post 3 months after the Common Wealth Games and our esteemed ex-minister A. Raja has the gumption to state that he is being targeted because of his socio-economic status (a new euphemism for caste), when even his own kid will tell him that he is being targeted because he was at the epicenter of one of the biggest scams in Indian politics/administration. And of course, your party sees it fit to have an alliance with one of the parties that was originally alleged to be behind the plot to assassinate an Indian Prime Minister (it is very convenient that the commission that investigated the entire matter gave a clean chit to everyone who mattered and their grandmother). After so many brilliant moves and decisions, actually, conferring Bharat Ratna on Sachin might be your best achievement in the current term at office.

Apparently, the reason being propagated for denying Sachin the honor is that he is too young. I do not know about the places where you come from, but as far as my (limited) knowledge goes, in almost all major sports realms, you achieve immortality before you are forty. And to a level of certainty we can safely state that what Sachin achieves after he is 40 and before he is 60-70 (or dead) will be definitely lesser than /equal to in magnitude to what he has already managed to achieve between 16 years and 40 years. If you are still going to maintain that he is too young, I would kindly entreat you to apply the same paradigm of constraints on Mr. Rahul Gandhi who has systematically and conclusively proved that he neither has a sense of history (RSS slight - I doubt whether he would know who Veer Savarkar is) and current affairs (saying Hindu Fundamentalists are the major threat to the country's security when fundamentalists from a particular religion periodically engage in long term ethnic cleansing in the Kashmir valley). Based on his (lack of) knowledge in history and current affairs, involving him in any capacity in the Government is a bigger threat than corruption, religious fundamentalism and other perceived threats, as it is precisely such ill informed folks who engage in the afore mentioned threats to the country.

Again, based on the 50 plus years of Congress rule, expecting you to do anything that would seem sensible and logical to most of the people in the country will imply I'm smoking a banned substance. The only silver lining is I can get away with it as long as I agree to pay the bribe.

American Airlines

I generally try to avoid American Airlines, the company that has led the way in customer dissatisfaction for a long while now, in my opinion. Though they might whip out some random study that shows they are best or whatever, my co-workers and I have all had really bad experiences with them, consistently. Yesterday was no exception. At Dallas Fort Worth airport, the flight to Tampa had its gate changed three times, and each time from one corner of the terminal to the other. And the icing on the cake being there was not even a hint of an apology from the personnel announcing the gate change. They had the smugness that comes from the knowledge that the passengers have already paid money and are about to be screwed, one way or the other. And the flight was delayed by an hour and 15 minutes and again, till we got into the plane, there was no hint of any reason as to why it was delayed or an apology. Once we got in, there was an apology all right, but for all the passengers, there was no reason offered as to why they are being delayed on a flight for which they have paid money in advance.

All this reiterates my opinion that American Airlines is one of the worst airlines companies in America. Never again will I make the mistake of booking a ticket with them, even if the next ticket is 100-200 dollars more expensive.

LeBron (Loser) James

Michael Jordan - Six Time NBA Champion. Brought a franchise which no one knew of - Chicago Bulls - into a major brand the world over. Two Three-Peats, an amazing college career as well. The greatest basketball (NBA) player ever. No arguments. If you had 3 seconds, trailing by 2 points, the man you want to pass the rock to is this guy.

Magic Johnson - Five time NBA Champion. Took a perennial runner up team ALL-THE-WAY. Magic Johnson rejuvenated Lakers like anything that they were finally able to take the fight up to the Green Monster of NBA - Celtics. Could play all positions, from being the Robin to Kareem Abdul Jabbar's Batman, Magic became Batman and much more. If you take players who can be spoken of in the same breath as Jordan, Magic is right up there.


Kobe Bryant - The best player NBA has produced after Jordan and Magic. He was a part of a three-peat, then saw his team enter a rebuilding mode, get thrashed in the play-offs, lose the greatest coach ever Phil.J - he got so frustrated that he almost though of quitting Lakers - but DIDN'T. He stuck it out, saw Dr. Buss get Pau and build a roster from scratch around Kobe and one of the best role players ever - Derek Fisher. The Lakers still got mauled by Celtics in the finals in 2008. But came back and won it all in 2009 (Championship and the Finals MVP) and did a repeat in 2010. And with Phil.J coming back, Kobe has a chance to emulate Jordan in being the player to be a part of two three-peats. He is the undisputed king of LA. And right now, if there is one player who can aspire to be spoken of in the same breath as MJ, it is Kobe.

Larry Bird - if there is one player I reluctantly hate it is Larry Bird. The reason I hate is because he played for Celtics - the team I absolutely, completely hate. Add to that that he thwarted Magic from the championship - you get the picture. But this man ruled the court like few did. As much as I hate to admit - he is one great player.

Notice a similarity? All the players achieved greatness with one team - they went through feast and famine with the same team. And they emerged stronger and perhaps cast their reputations and legacy in rock solid iron.

LeBron James - He has in his one hour of egotistic, self glorification porn fest has given Cleveland (and Ohio) the most brutal and unkindest cut of all - while the 'The Drive' was 5 Minutes and 2 seconds long, 'The Catch', 'The Fumble' and 'The Shot' took a few seconds as well - what LeBron did was to kill the fans of Cleveland and then patiently and clinically chop them into fine pieces. I was not able to see the telecast the second that he declared he is going to South Beach.

LeBron - you will never be spoken of in the same way of the folks listed above. You will be another Kevin Garnett - you might win 5 championships or even 6 - one for each year you have signed up for Heat - but you are the scum man. You lost the respect of fans and Cleveland folks as well. You are a WIMP. You did not have the heart of a champion and more importantly, the character to be a Jordan or a Kobe. Go and ride on Wade's coat tails. I hope Cleveland wins the championship before your tenure at Heat ends - just to bloody sully your already sullied face. YOU SUCK!

Bing-u Para Bong-u

Apart from shoving Bing (previously Live Search) down your throat by having it as a default browser tab in IE 8, Microsoft has got it completely wrong in trying to somehow make you do a bing search by making links on MSN.com as bing search results. This is basically a bong-u from Bing in trying to increase their search count and I recently saw a statistic where they said their bing searches have increased by 3 percent in terms of market share. What I do just to thwart is that I hover over the link to see what the search keywords are and google it - there - I added a search to the Google count. As much as it sounds silly - this not too subtle (rather, showing down your throat) approach of Microsoft is going to rant the people. Those who were already anti-Microsoft are going to run like crazy to Google. I guess that Microsoft and subtlety cannot be in the same sentence unless there is a negating term present.

P.S: While playing gilli cricket - there used to be this older guy who will willingly play himself in the weaker team (or the team with lesser number of makkal) and take a double gaaji - this is exactly what Microsoft is doing.

The Marriage WebSite Nonsense

I've had a few of my friends getting married (this being the peak marriage maatu-sandhai season) and most of them have the time to come up with a website. Before I start my rant on the website itself - I have a huge problem with people saying, "Please treat this as a personal invite". Till quite recently (before these weblinks became a part of my daily email checking routine), I thought emails were personal. If somebody emails me on my personal email address, I assume that they are addressing a personal issue. Then why this statement? If they mean personal as in meeting us/you personally, then I think that this is one of the oft-used, least meant cliches in normal communication (the first is in tamizh cinema, where there is a dialog - Unga kaiya kaala nenachu ketkaren!). I have made a promise to myself that the next time I see this line in an email, I'm going to press the delete button for the mail.

Now onto the website - most of what I say are observations - add to them if you have come across any other versions/flavors.

1. As soon as you open the weblink, it takes close to 2 minutes to load. Why? Because there is either the mushy romantic song loading or the traditional nadhaswaram and melam music loading. A quick thing to do is while you wait for the page to load is to reply to the original email wishing them the best or whatever.

2. The section which makes my blood boil - Our Story / How We Met or some other such cheesily named section. What I don't understand is there are only options available - either you met someone at work/college/wherever you used to hang out or you had an 'arranged' marriage - which involves the parents putting in spade work to find a well educated and good looking bride/groom and making them talk. A new masala mix which has been added now is this we had an arranged-love marriage, when all it involves is for those makkal who were closet-romantics (either due to parental pressure/considerations or personal incapability) varuthufy kadalai (if they are not in the same city) or roam about the city like let-loose-donkey and then saying - "Oh! we were very  much in laaauv before we got married!!" Thu!! But onto the website kandraavi - so when there are only two options/stories boards (okay, three! ), why should they try to put in the site? We all know the route map a-b-c quite well. While I agree for the junta concerned it is still a story of their lifetimes, do not try to shove it down our throats in your website. I know that I have a choice to not click on that section, which is what I do nowadays. Also, another question that lingers is, when I meet someone (in person) and they tell me that they are getting married, my immediate response would be to congratulate them and in the case I know the person really well, I will go on to ask what their significant other is - professionally. I have never had the urge to ask people - where did you meet? did he lick your shoes or did you stand at the bust stop for him in the hot sun etc etc. These are personal details and I do not know how these makkal are brazenly vekkam-ketta kinds to put all these details in a frickking website. The pseudo category three makkal go one step further. To match the masala the lauv option provides, these guys go to a level of cheesiness which borders on stupidity. A popular line from this category is - "Oh! He travelled 10000 miles to see me". The last time I checked the only way to get to India was by twisting yourself into two and packing yourself into an economy seat in an air plane and make a 10000 mile journey to India. There were no fancy phancy particle transfer process which would make you disappear in the US and make you appear at Ranganathan street in Madras (okay, I saw Star Trek yesterday!). So, why in God's name should such matter-of-fact be romanticized? The levels of the desperation of that guy might have made him travel that distance for any girl, leave alone you. I sincerely hope somebody bans publishing "How we first met", "where we proposed", " What color socks was he wearing when we decided to get married" crap online. As I already said, these are personal stuff and should not shared on a website.

3. Photos/Gallery - I'm a big fan of photos and so do not mind this section. This provides the visitors a chance to see the kannalam kattikara makkal together or the actual kannala pictures - either way, I think this serves some purpose.

4. Guestbook - The section in itself is not a bad idea, but the way it is used by the morons who visit the website makes this a puke section. Visitors put in, literally, Orkut type scraps. The most often used words are "Cute", "Chweet" and "Muaaah" (In decreasing order of popularity and also signifying an increase in the sender's stupidity from L-to-R). Recently Blogeswari , blogged about these dimwits who use funny abbreviations/versions for normal english words - lyk for like, gr8 for great, Chweeeeet (the higher the stupidity, more the repeat of alphabets) for sweet, Muaaaah to signify their overflow of emotions aka a kiss. Ezhavedutha peedaigal! I want to meet the praguruthi who set the rule that using these crazy spellings/words are either: 1. Cool, or 2. Cute. I want to give that person two tight slaps and thirigify their thalai like they do for kozhi(s). And this crib of mine is directed towards the female populace who address their friends of the same sex as DA or YA or Babe. All the three usages are highly puke inducing, despicable usages.

5. Contact Us/Details to Reach the venue etc - these are genuinely sensible and not oftenly misused sections, so let me not disparage them unnecessarily.

Please feel free to add any more details kandravi-er versions that you've seen.

Different Strokes for Different Folks

So P.Chidambaram was Bush for a day when he got a shoe thrown at him. I was reading a few articles/sound bytes given by P.C and it was interesting to note that he had said that the reservation system was to set right the evils/practices which had been prevalent for the last 3000 years - leaving the credibility of the time line or historical accuracy, why not address these 'social injustices'?

1. The mughal conquest of the Indian subcontinent
Amongst the numerous consequences of the Mughal Invasion, the primary was the spread of Islam as a religion/faith amongst the people. There was rape of women, rampant plunder of resources, systematic and forced conversion, destruction of architecture and the sanathana dharma. Amongst the numerous temples destroyed was one which had Rama in Ayodhya. Numerous sculptures were mercilessly destroyed. So if the Hindus demanded justice, would the Congress Government go ahead and exile the muslims now (who much like the brahmins of today, do not have anything to do with the massacre which was perpetuated by their forefathers?) Can temples like Srirangam or Bhadrinath levy a tax only from Muslims to compensate for their loses (as some the statues that were destroyed were perhaps Panchalogam and might be conservatively valued at a few crores today).Can Hindu men of today arbitrarily rape a muslim women (I know you'd want to hit me - but this is what the forward caste are being subjected to), and be let free? (I know that for one, the Muslims do not even follow the Indian Penal Code - when will India have a Uniform Civil Code)?

2. The English occupation of India
English who introduced Christianity (and so are forefathers of today's Indian christians) plundered the remains of what the Mughals had left and scrapped whatever we were left with - they use Sanskrit words Jabam, Sthothiram - Sanskrit is called a deva baashai and can be comfortably be owned by the Sanathana Dharma religion. So can the Ahobila Matam and Sankara matam copyright Sanskrit words and levy a royalty each time Dinakaran uses it on TV? Even a few decades back, there were forcible conversions to Christianity - so could we go ahead and levy a forefather sin tax on all christians?

All these seem totally ridiculous because they ARE - Very. But then how come this so-called Secularists (who are nothing but anti-brahmins or anti-hindus as the situation demands) justify reservation? These morons are nothing but convenient opportunists who would not think twice before forming alliances with a party and leader who were accused of killing your kith and kin.

Ganguly - Buchanan Spat

Agreed that Buchanan is a moron who accidentally happened to coach Australia when they had the best players and so ended up with this halo of being a super-coach. The idea of multiple captains is as காக்கா an idea as any of Dr. Vijay's movies.

But why the heck does this ego-maniac Ganguly accept that his best captaincy/playing days are behind him? After being asinga-paduthified in the national team, it seems SCG is going to go through a painful mukkal monagal process through in KKR too. And those morons who are seemingly Ganguly fans point out to the fact that he won the man of the match award some 4 times in the last season - what crap? If you end up being the least dirty sock in a pile of dirty, stinky socks, does that make you any better? Seeing what Chris Gayle has managed with the oppu-kku chappu West Indies team, I cannot think of any valid reason that Gayle cannot be the captain of the KKR team - as much as I don't see a reason for Sourav Azhumoonji Ganguly to not lead that team. But honestly, being a fan of the Chennai team and not too fond of Shah Ruck "Six Yuck" Khan, perhaps, Ganguly captaining KKR might ensure that its that much more easier for Dhoni and the Chennai Pasanga.

5 Things Beyond My Understanding.... (as on 11/24/2008)

1. If Banks/Finance Sector, Why Not Car Companies?
    AIG got bailed out. The Execs go on a resort holiday gig and get caught on tape . Then Mr. Paulson with the full support of B. Obama, J. McCain and G.W. Bush, pass the bailout package to rescue the economy from the precipe. And today, Citibank was bailed out. As far as I know, Citibank was NOT a retail banking giant. It is a credit card giant - I do not know what to term the bank as other than as a CC giant. In the 3 years I have been here, Citibank has offered every 'theruvile-poravan' with a credit card with some credit limit. And banks which were rescued before Citi were ones which had literally acted as namba ooru 'seth' with their rates and lures. I'm not an economics/finance guru, but from the limited information available online, I believe that th Govt. would guarantee the bad debts and write off a portion of it - so who benefits from this? The financial institution. But does the credit history of a person who took the loan get modified/revised to show that the bank got that loan written off? NO. It is going to be the proverbial albatross around their neck for the good part of the foreseeable future. When all this is okay and not 'socialism' why does helping GM, Chrysler and Ford whose lack of foresight and lack of efforts to try to develop R&D in fuel efficiency in the 70s and 80s was limited by the budgetary partiality that defense and space technology got during the Cold War, being scored by the powers that be? While Japan with the comfortable knowledge that US was bound to provide it armed forces in times of a conflict was able to concentrate on R&D in electronics and automobiles, you know what happened in this part of the earth..... So, what is the big deal in giving $40 bn to the auto makers when AIG was given 85 bn. to be bailed out of the crisis? And if the auto makers CEO's act of travelling by a private plane was symbolically and politically incorrect, did the guys who doled out a generous measure to AIG demand the money back when its execs 'whored' around with public money?


2. Sachin - Dhoni controversy.
    All during the 90s and early part of 2000s there was unanimous decision by all concerned that there was only one BEST batsman in Cricket and in particular, ODI, going by the name S.R. Tendulkar. No! The critics were quite intent to point out that Sachin was NOT a match winner. They said the end mattered more than the means. Which was why half baked people like Ganguly and Gilchrist were written about in the same sentence as SRT. I accept that perhaps post 2007 WC, SRT has nothing left to play for. And currently, he is the highest scorer in Tests and ODIs and has the most centuries and 50s in both forms. Except for his personal reasons (which I'm not privy to,), based on pure cricketing logic, I do not see a point in SRT continuing any further. The team is able to do well without him and if he left now, it might be a good thing for a youngster like Badrinath or Raina to cement their place in the team. While this is on one hand, I genuinely believe that M.S Dhoni is the best thing that happened to Indian Cricket in the last 10 years. He brings with himself, a pragmatic approach to Indian cricket and has the guts and gumption to own his decisions in defeats and wins. Its an altogether different story that the Indian team is seemingly more invincible than ever under MSD. But now the critics are quick to point out that MSD is not the classical batsman nor the best wicketkeeper. Now they start questioning the technicalities behind Dhoni's swat shot (the one which looks like he is swatting flies with his bat) and his tendency to 'follow' the ball (physically) when keeping. So why are they hesitant to give MSD or SRT their just due?


3. Vaaranam Aayiram Vs Thirupachi/Veru-p-paachi/Ma*ira-pochi
    I have not yet seen the movie as a whole but did see some scenes on Youtube and Google Videos and did see some scenes which the so called critics panned (especially check out IndiaGlitz which 'subtly' kalachifies Vaaranam Aayiram in their articles) and found it was quite okay. Recent reviews also confirmed my view that Gautam Vasudev Menon might be the next Mani Ratnam in the making. Wait! There has been no Nayagan yet, but the symptoms are there, no doubt. So, when Vijay (if there is one guy who deserves to be banned from Tamizh Cinema, it is this one and perhaps followed by Ajith) can do all mushy things in the worsht way possible and people are prepared to take it, calling it MASS, why can't take V1000 in that spirit, too?

4. The wondrous ways of the GoI
    I agree that TCS, Infosys and other IT companies have contributed immeasurably to the GDP and the Indian economy in general. But, why do these well-off companies keep getting preferential sops in taxes? Why does the Govt have a process in place to tax the IT companies depending on their profit margins and try to develop the other industries like Manufacturing Sector and Agriculture? And the biggest puzzle is why does TATA Group - which claims to be the most patriotic and transparent pvt. sector company deserve so many salugaigal for its Nano plant?


5. The Bucs syndrome
    John Gruden must rank as one of the most lucky guy - he won a ring which should have gone to Dungy. And after that winning season, Bucs have been all downhill. The best QB we've had is Jeff Garcia - a 38 year old who is perhaps a couple of seasons from retirement. The Bucs make it play off almost everytime to lose the first play off and come back home. So we don't get a good draft pick and we do the same process year after year. Gruden never seems to get sacked and we never get a good QB.

Mumbai moonjila kari

I used to find the attitude of Mumbai-Vaazh makkal to be irritating. There is no city like Mumbai adhu idhu kinda Bullshit. Just because there are some seth kabodhis with their crores, Mumbai is the finance capital of India - nothing more. And the latest riots over North Indians being targetted by MNS and subsequent happening just prove the plain old fact that all parts of India are equally crazy and bad - there is no better or worse. And as much as Madras is 'oh-so-orthodox', Mumbai is 'oh-so-pig-headed'!!

Go Madras! :D

Theory Of Relativity - Special

Special Theory Of Relativity is playing out in my life every weekend. Friday evening to Sunday night seems like 2 hours. :(

Road Rage

One of the few things I love doing is to drive. During my driving days in Madras and in this part of the world, though I enjoy every ooportunity to dirve, there are certain categories of people who spark my already volatile temper.

1. Desi with expensive car (US of A)

    You can never miss the signs - BMW 3 or 5 Series (not the sedan model, the SUV X Series), Lexus or Acura cars, My Kid is a genius fender sticker, vermillion on top of the number plate. The biggest clue of all would be that the driver will be taking every damn precaution not to have a single scratch on his/her vehicle. I agree that he/she is paying a big chunk towards the car every month but then travelling at below the speed limit speeds on interstate, thinking a zillion and one time before changing a lane, braking 2 miles before it is required make my BP zoom. And once when going to the temple I was so pissed because of the car infront of me - a BMW 5 series sedan that I passed him on the right lane - which is wrong but that jerk did not give me an option. Unfortunately that car came to the temple as well and the 40 something desoid with the tummy, polo shirt and shorts intact comes to me and says that I need more maturity. He went home after a 5 minute talk from me, after which, I doubt whether he would talk to any 20 something guy about maturity and road driving.

2. Aunty on Kinetic Honda in Madras

    I agree that Madras is polluted and all that and there are rowdy pasanga waiting to site adichify and all that but dressing up like this (below) is too much wonly!

= =

These makkal have a travel trajectory which resembles something like this:

In the picture, the red line shows the trajectory. They travel at exactly 30 kmph and have the sudden habit of thrusting their hand out to signal that they are making a turn. There are 2 issues with this: 1. They are right in the middle of the road when they want to make the turn, and 2. They do not care to see if there is someone coming back right behind them. Once the hand got me square on the midsection. It might be inkeeping witth their costume to attack people when they lease expect it. The situation gets complex-er if there is another specimen with the same costume or a kid on the pillion. The kinetic honda (or scooty, sunny or whatever non-geared, cannot go more than 50kmph vehicle there is on the madras landscape). The vehicle suddenly does somersaults, skid brakes and tries to cut you, all at 25 kmph. The biggest of my crib is that their attire makes me feel that I'm bad mouthing myself whenever I try to give them a piece of my mind and that, my dear makkal, is not a nice thing to do yourself.

3. The thirutu-kaadhal case in Chennai

This is the kilu-kiluppu case. The guy brakes suddenly and sharply for what purposes you might have already guessed. While it may be mid-road masala for him, for us its anything but good. As more often than not these are kalla-kaadhals of India, they satiate all their want-to-do's on the road. Enna kodumai saravanan idu?

After a while, tired of swerving and getting used to braking for nothing,  you get pissed and try to use the usual chennai lingo on him for bad driving and he says "saar, ladies irukkum poludhu ipdi pesreengale, saar?". And you feel like punching the guy in the nose - he does R rated stuff on the road and when you try to square off, he says that you use R Rated language. Jackass!

4. The (White) Chick in USA {Sometimes comes in the black variant too}

These are very easy to spot - Volkswagen Beetle (Bug), Jetta, Rabbit or Mini Cooper or Mazda Miata - and a (female) driver  whose head seems to be stuck to the cell phone. They roll over at stop signs and are given to sudden lane change syndrome. And in parking lots, they turn lethal. Give them a parking spot with no other car in the next two spots on either side and still they will manage to scratch another car. And when you try to talk to them, they put on that I'm-so-cute-and-adorable-please-flirt-with-me look that you'll feel like thirigifying their head and throw it to the kaaka (crow).

5. The Yo-Mama in USA

The cars bear strong similarities. The suspension tweaked so that the cars are always bouncing like bobble-heads. And kanda kanda car will have alloy wheels. The most popular here in tampa is Honda Accord or Toyota camry (the staple desi car) with alloy wheels. You know that you can honk or show him the finger as you know such cars rarely ever have a driver who DOES NOT have a gun. Some hip hop beats come through and if you are really unlucky you will have music blasting. If you thought these guys had insurance you must be from the planet Mars. But on the whole, apart from giving you a headache if you are in their proximity in the traffic lights, they pose no driving danger to you, though seeing somebody driving a car in the posture that may be better suited to the couch is a bit unnerving.

6. The uninsured pick up truck

When you a specimen of this or a close variant keep 2 lane distance away from it. Mostly has a trailer trash white guy or a கீழ் நாட்டுக்காரன் (keezh-naatukaaran, a.k.a ola comistos) . One fact that you need to drill down your brain is that insurance companies do not insure pick up trucks which are 20 years old. Or at least not at premium rates that the drivers of these pick up trucks can afford. I had the experience of one such battered pick up truck simply lose control and move into my lane, thereby totally damaging my friend who was driving ahead of me here (see below)

I was, for once, like 50 feet behind my friend and had time to park on the shoulder and when I went over to the spot where the pick up truck and my friends car were in close communion, I found out the truck driver was trailer kinda person and all that he was able to say was the f- word and he, seemingly, did not know that insurance was mandatory to drive on the road! 911 was called and the cops duly arrested the old fart and all that. But, the point was, there was nobody to pay for the damages. My friend, as does every dutiful desi had a high deductible (copay?) amount to reduce his 6-month premium which meant he had to shell out 2000 bucks then and there. The lesson? Avoid old pick up trucks like the plague. Run, hide or take the next exit. And oh, also make sure you don't have more than 500 dollar deductible.

7. The GPS-Enabled makkal in US

Easiest to spot - you cannot miss the 'light of knowledge' from behind throught the windshield. Major makkal in this category are MS in US Junta (or software onsite makkal) who are 'enjoying' long weekends by renting out a car (its another matter that they applied 2 coupons, 1 mail-in rebate and 1 preferred member discount to get the GPS for free) and driving everywhere and anywhere. But they are easy to avoid. Do not go near Indian Restuarants, Theaters playing namba ooru padam, touristy places like Caladesi (Honeymoon) island, Clearwater Beach and Miami, Strip Clubs/Night clubs where ragudu is possible on saturday nights and on very rare occasions, near temples (especially on Sunday evenings when its time to search for retribution for all the sins performed during the previous 2 days). God Save you if the rental car guy gave them a non-text-to-speech enabled as they were getting it for free. Arbit-ly swerving into exit lanes and in the last minute rejoining the main lane, suddenly stopping in the middle of the lane (especially near the destination points) are common symptoms. Pass them asap and don't give them a damn as, mostly if they see a desi passing them (and if you have a female or someone resembling a female in your car), they show off by hitting the pedal on the pitiable Chevy Cobalt and revving up the engine and trying to show that you can never pass them. On such occasions, if you are driving a better car (do not ask me if there is any car worser than Cobalt!), just speed up and go your merry way as there is a nice chance that alocohol or cigerretes might be a part of the mix in the other vehicle (I do not know why, but whenever desi pasanga meet up for a get-together, sarakku, cigarrette and porn {called Foreign Film} are always there in the agenda)

8. The Family of 4 (or more) in Madras

My family has been guilty of doing this when I was a small kid (you know it was a LOOOONG time ago, seeing my size now). But you are struck to marvel how the guy is balancing the motorbike and at the same time, talking to the pondaati and all that. Throw a cell phone into the mix and you will have a potential, India has got Talent show on your hands.

Anger, Kovam, Krodh......

People who are acquaintances know me as a person who explodes with anger every 5 minutes. People who know me better will tell you, that I get angry more often than that. Only people who me really well will be able to tell you that I get angry only with people whom I choose to - and those who are granted immunity are basically those with whom I have a good mental connect or to someone I'm indebted for life.

Having said this, the last 2 or 3 weeks the only person with whom I'm angry 24X7 is myself. I find that all my present problems to be directly sourced to me and my idiocy. And the funny thing is that when you are angry at yourself, you don't have a vent out for the anger. The only way I'm punishing myself is at the gym/when I run. I run till my lungs scream for air and calf and hamstring muscles are cramped up. I do my hydraulics routine until my arms are sore and I find it hard to open my car door. But after doing all this, I still find that I have the energy left to be angry with myself. I seriously thought of quitting work and going on a around the world with a backpack thing, but that would mean me ending up in the same house with my father which will be catastrophic for him and me.

Anger Management Guru, Anyone?

Whoeetees the distarbaaans?

Karthik walked past the row of cars - he was able to see water vapor emanating from the lawns. The sun was so bright that he was not even able to look up from the ground in spite of the new Ray Ban coolers he was wearing (about which he talks at all possible and unnecessary situations, such as this). Sweat was pouring down his forehead, which was not much - indicative of his little or no intelligence. He opened the door to his Toyota Corolla and was welcomed by an oven like 'ambience'. The car thermometer displayed the outside temperature to be 91 and the inside temperature to be 105. Karthik switched on his AC on full blast and was greeted by hot air even from it. Just to be sure, he went to weather.com on this (about which he talks at all possible and unnecessary situations, such as this). It said it felt like 97 degrees, even though the temp was 91, in the zipcode 33613. While driving past Fletcher Ave to Firestone to do his oil change, he saw a biker with a blown tyre on the side walk, trying to hitch a hike on a car on which she could carry her bike too. Even the usual yo mamas who ride this, which is built for makkal who are one fifth their age were conspicuous by their absence. No shirtless Ola Comistos even....

This is not one more of my attempt at a short story. It was the real deal yesterday in Tampa. No rains - very surprsing for August and bloody H-O-T. The day was a total blaaah. Its days like this that make me wonder if there was a divine design behind me coming to Tampa from Madras and the fact that I pretty much want to hibernate as soon as the temperature touches 77 - 80 Degrees. I now have a roomie which means I can no longer try to deep freeze my apartment to 60 and bury myself in my couch with something to read or see. When will I go to a place where there is little or no sunshine? I prefer the late summer weather in England (I've never been to Europe) where there is some intermittent rain and then a brief spell of sun - which is not anywhere near the scalding thing in FL. I'd like to live in a place like this or this.

To all of you thinking what connection the title and the blogpost have and whether I'm going cuckoo - yes - the Sun is doing this to me and no it is not Sun TV.

Socio-Phobic

I discovered yesterday, the name for the condition I suffer from - I'm socio-phobic. While I can talk to/interact with 2-3 people at a time, whenever I'm in a large congregation, my brain goes kaput. Large here is typically 10. Thats perhaps the explanation for these:

1. I talk to all my UG friends now and then, but when it comes to reunions, I have rarely made it to any - including the Beachhouse "Bash" at the end of four years of SVCE.

2. As already told, large desi koottam in movie halls completely puts me off. In fact to those who come with me to the movies, my sudden mute mode is jarring.

3. I go to the temple only on days when I'm sure there will be no crowd.

4. I used to hate going to marriages/sashtiabdhapoorthi functions where there used be a really big and hardcore tam-brahm crowd.

5. Now, I do not want to visit India - one primary reason being that me and my parents cannot go through the monthly call without an argument or a fight nowadays - my naina hung up on me in the middle of an argument 2 days ago - but also because of the sea of population (mostly related to my parents) I'm obligated to visit every time I land up on that side of the world.

How 'Desi' Are you?

Desoids a.k.a en iniya indiargale,

check out how many of the following you do and check out your Desi-ness.

1. Own a Toyota or Honda car. (Above 30, make is Lexus or Acura. Telugu speaking natives = Nissan Altima)

2. Really tight jeans. {These are called with another, particularly funny name. Ping me to find the name ;-)}

3. You 'tuck in' your Polo Shirt when wearing Jeans.

4. Your watch face faces you rather than the other way.

5. You wear sneakers with khaki trousers.

6. As soon as your apartment door is opened (Desoids who own homes, you are exempt from this), people can smell:
a. Agarbathis
b. Cooked Paruppu Smell
c. Masala smell

7. Your laptop/computer has Vigneswarar or some other arbit Hindu God as desktop background.

8. You take "Patel Pics" in front of Niagara Falls / Golden Gate Bridge.

9. You crack loud jokes for "podhu-nalan" in places of large desi congregation - Movie halls, Free sapadu sessions at temples etc.

10. Have a mustache.

11. The first thing you look for when you are visiting other "desi" dens like San Jose, Dallas, NJ are to look out directions for Tirupathi Beema's or HSB.

12. You feel that salads/subs are not filling are snacks.

13. Your car has a bumper sticker which proclaims - My Kid is a Math Genius.

14. You recharge your reliance/airtel calling cards more than once a month.

15. Webcam sessions with junta back India.

16. Still read news on Rediff.com or www.thehindu.com

17. Your Orkut/Facebook album has one pic of you with your 'new' car with the caption "Ma ride" or "Moi car".

18. You wear sneakers to work on the day they allocate for casual dressing.

19. You have a jar of Bru coffee in your kitchen.

20. Have your television sets covered with 'Turkey' towel.

21. Talk to a fellow unknown Indian in Hindi/telugu/tamizh or asking whether he/she knows any of these within 20 seconds of getting introduced.

22. Still multiply prices of shirts/trousers by 45 or 50 (not even considering its 40 now), especially if the shirt has a "Made In India" tag.

23. On IM for more than 12 hours a day.

24. Call NFL as a violent and no-brains game.



That's it for now. But if you find any more desoid traits, comment back. Will be glad to add them

Metamorphosis

I'm, as a principle, emotionally, financially and physically, an independent person, as far as possible. I've never actually felt the need for those "Saaptiyaada kanna?" kinda phone calls/emails from India. I never talk about me being unwell to my parents or any other family member. In fact, after I crossed 10, my parents actually do not know whether I've had fever/illness, except for my broken wrist, which was un-hideable. But recently, I feel I have changed. For once, I miss someone who was unknown to me exactly a year back, even if the "away" part is 2 days or 20 days. I feel I have become, emotionally, dependent. :-|

The week that was.....

Last week was a whirlwind - and perhaps the first birthday ever where I did not have any family or my small friend(s) group.

And it was the second time I was part of an accident. Its curious to me that in the 2 accidents I have had so far, I was not driving on both occasions; while the first one in 2003 was catastrophic in terms of a broken wrist on the eve of sem exams, the second one at Chicago did not leave any damage, at least till this moment. But it is funny to get out of a vehicle when it is upside down. :)

And the best part is yet to come - I'm an addict of the 'Master' and a decision by a friend to surprise me for my b'day resulted in me finding a rough-cut edition of a Jeeves Omnibus (Yeah! I love it - A Jeeves Rough cut is cool) staring at my face from the place where my Bru Coffee jar peers at me did leave me smiling at the end of a week, which except for a couple of fun evenings spent with my friend's family, was B-A-D in terms of work - where I found out that, as is beauty, attitude is skin-deep and as much as Indians are supposed to the fabled crabs, pulling each other down, Caucasian and Afro-Americans are no good either. They suck too. Perhaps, apart from being hard-working, intelligent, resourceful and all the other BLAH, I think being selfish and ruthlessly inconsiderate are necessary tools to have a happy life at work.

Why I might be chronic single person?

First watch this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=sm0OryPF1yQ

Okay, onto serious issues - I have had a zillion arguements with my mother as to why arranged marriages are fundamentally flawed, the prime of them being:

1. AMs place more emphasis on looks, position, familial background other than anything else. For one, I know for a certainty that I do not have any trait (apart from looks) that are collinear with my parents {thought/action/words}. And as far as looks go, I do agree that they should be in the mix - but not to the extent that they are given importance. Compatibility is given no space and I hate to think that a josiyar can predict what level of compatibility I'd have with a person based on 12 squares. I'm not getting anarchic here and telling astrology is BS and all that. I can agree, from personal experience, that Astrology is a good tool to plan/support your life. But it cannot be used as a GPS to get from one point to another.

2. My father perhaps knows 10 percent of me and my mother perhaps 15 percent. But thats it! How can I believe in them to make choices for me? I can see some people who are ready with the question - what about the first 20 years of life? Well, I needed some help with decisions then - But I'm almost 24 and I do believe that I've reached the age where I should let my decisions be as un-influenced by others as possible. Again, a kid drives a cycle with the safety wheels on - but you can never drive a car with safety wheels!

3. Lack of natural-ness. The Tambrahm way of life extols certain things as virtues. I do not want a servant/menial help for my life. I can cook and clean my house all by myself. I do not want those pure as snow kind of maami's who will mugam-sulichify if one of my friends asked for a bottle of beer when he was visiting me. I do not drink or smoke - but do not consider them as sins and all that. In a conversation I had with my kankanda deivangal, when I said I was okay with a wife who smoked or drank, as long as she did not hide it from me made the deivangal froth at the mouth. I'm more or less looking for an independent person who has her own likes, dislikes and who will not be another version of the ladies in know/have seen. And in continuum with the flaw in the way this match making happens, I'd like to know the girl who I'd be marrying sometime before my marriage and I feel that its imperative that I get introduced to that girl when both of us do not have any idea that we could end up married. As another blogger whom I read once told in his blog, as much you would like to believe reality TV is that - reality, once you know that you could end up being married to someone, your way of behaviour to that person changes and expecting it to be natural is futile.

So all this effectively rules out me saying okay to an arranged marriage of any kind.

On the other hand, I hate those pink color loving, cho-chweet mouthing , teddy bear hugging section of the population {IMO, physcially 20-odd, mentally 13 minus}, which, together with the characteristics mentioned previously, rules out 99 percent of the female population. As a dialog in minnale goes, "(indha madri) ponnungana ennaku 99 percent allergy" and I recently found out the the other one percent of the female population which falls within my "like" region is 100 percent allergic to anything close to settling down with me. Nice little catch-22, isn't it?

But I'm a firm believer of not settling for compromises - they ultimately screw you up - especially in an issue like marriage. So going forward, you'll see more such rants and raves - after all, I pretty much do not have anything else to do... :)

Insomnia....

People who know me always associate me with one thing, universally. My ability to hit the deep slumber zone as soon my head touches the pillow (it might as well be a couch cushion, arm-rest.. whatever). The crux is that sleep and LKS are something like vetti scene and karthik sriram - simply inseparable. So it came to me as a surprise for the past few weeks I have been feeling effects of Insomnia. I have been awake through the whole night on at least 2 occasions and surprisingly that did not/is not affecting my next day too. And the even more intriguing thing is that I don't have any of the usual reasons to worry about - no visa issues, no credit card debts, no education loan rate increases and for once, my car ain't needing any major repairs too(touch wood). People (read - my sister, who nowadays is online almost most of the daytime in India) are alarmed and suspicious as to why I'm keeping awake during daytime in India. This is specially because they know that given a choice, I would not be seen online when any of my family members are online. The last time I experienced something close to this (insomnia) was when I had this stupid subject called Power Electronics in my 5th semester which was, simply put, the most non-understandable subject in the whole of my life as a student. You had thyristors combining in myriad ways to form cycloconverters, choppers, regulators, firing circuits and delay angles which left me in such a tizzy that I was not able to sleep on the 3 days preceding that exam. Added to this was a lecturer in our college who used a book written by a certain gnani called NagoorKani - this Kani guy was really a gnani - he wrote 4 books for EEE - Machines(3rd, 4th Semesters), Machine Design(6th Sem), Control Systems (4th Sem) and Power Electronics (5th Sem) - and except for M/c and M/c design none of the other subjects were remotely related except for the fact that the medium of instruction for all of them was the same :P. And his 'gnani'-ness was further established when we found out he reused diagrams from one book to another :O. But coming back to the issue, it was evident that I was not the only distressed soul as somehow, miraculously, I aced that exam from my department!!

Apart from my Singular Case of Power Electronics, sleep has always remained a top priority till now. Any suggestions to set my disorder right? {This question is especially intended for one blogger named Ms. Blogeswari, who has been consciously avoiding commenting on my blogs}

Of Dorks and Domers

For those uninitiated, a Dork is this and a Domer is a dumb person in Madras Baashai. Why am I talking about these two words? Well, me being all of 23 years old as on date, I had the gumption to bracket me with the "youth" of today. But sadly, recently, I have come to realize that I'm anything but the "youth" of today. Hours of activity(interaction) in Orkut, Gtalk, Blog and of course, with real live people who represent both sides of the society, I have drawn up a list of things that you must do to be classified to be part of the youth (also synonymous with cool) brigade.

1. First and foremost comes communication. If you don't use "ya" and "da" in your spoken English (well, if its there in your written English, way better - after all, more the merrier), sorry, you are a loser. And the primordial thing is, if you are a guy, you should address the fairer sex as "da". That's one of the first things that you will be taught if you ever got yourself one of those COOLNESS for DORKS books. It beats me how the heck these girls/women find it cool to be addressed as "da"! Perhaps the only reason I can think of this "duh!" - remember the stupid Hyundai commercial over the holiday season? ;-)

2. Capability to talk over the phone for endless hours - this is, again, a very important factor which differentiates the "Dude"s from the Dorks (I don't the female equivalent for DUDE - perhaps am a pathetic Dork, after all!!). I have strict policies of talking not more than 10 minutes on the phone - unless its like some close friends here in Tampa (or at least a couple of them used to live here, with whom I hang out/used to hang out on a daily basis and so have lots to discuss about) or its some stupid Citibank call center guy who puts me on hold! I can't go on and on for an hour or something like that, talking about who-did-what-with- whom kinda crap, even if T-Mobile paid me 50 bucks every month to exploit their weekend minutes. The basic reason why I don't talk over long periods is also because my hands pain if I have to hold my phone for extended periods - wait! its not like I come from caveman times and don't know about Bluetooth - but I find it odd when I'm in a public place and keep talking (seemingly) to myself when using a bluetooth. Cutting the crap and coming to the issue, the youth brigade of today believe in whispering sweet nothings to at least 5 people, all of whom are there in a single conference call!!

3. Manja Sokka, Kizhinja Jeans Trouser and Nike ACG sandals - this is how majority of the youth populace show up when trying to meet a professor for possible funding opportunities. If you try to mutter something like dressed for the occasion kinds, you are treated, not-so-kindly, with a murderous glance and labeled as part of the oldies gang. And the kodumai in all this koothu is that in their quest to look like Hrithik, makkal forget that there are some colors which an average/below average (in plain English, its dark skinned - but then, isn't being cool all about euphemisms?) skin tone guy simply cannot (or rather, should not) wear and all that basic gyaan is left to the winds these days.

4. Kudi and 'Kudi'thanam - You should talk as if the next thing that you were fed, after farex, was Absolut Vodka using a paalaadai (a small feeding vessel for infants in TamBrahm households). If by chance you say that you are a teetotaller, then god save you from the ignominy that follows. You are asked if you religious (I don't know if Krishna or Siva ever asked devotees to be teetotallers in their gizillion avatars and thiruvilayaadals - If I remember right, Krishna was always eager to be under the influence and do Raaslila while Siva partook amudham (aka Nectar aka alcohol like drink) while trying to save the Earthlings. So where does religion come here?) and when you say NO, you are asked if you don't do it because your parents won't like it... God! can't a guy remain to choose what he eats and drinks and left alone for his choices? Does every action of mine need to have a religious or paternal influence over it? And, staying on the topic, to be considered COOL, you should do Vodka - or some other similar drink like Jaegermeister - you do beer and you are classified "Low-class". similarly, you smoke cigarettes and you become just another guy. You need to (or at least claim to) do Hookah, Cigar, Grass - these are considered the in-things.

5. Be Anti-Tamizh - If you speak Tamizh, then sorry, you are the rejected. Hip and Happening makkal only speak 'English' (the language, in which my is substituted by ma/moi, use ur instead of your, and the like) - sometimes interspersed with Hindi keywords like Haajjaar, Junta, Fultoo, Gyaan etc. Listening to ARR or IR is not half as cool as listening to 'gangsta' rap or Himesh "Wolf-Voice" Reshmayya. Its cool to say you find Rajni Kanth to be cartoonish, but applaud the same when done by King Kong - sorry - King Khan in his films. And absolutely, you have to emphasize that Amithabh Bachchan is the finest actor (it is abacharam to even mention Kamal Haassan or Mohan Lal or Mamooty when AB talk is on). And you have to applaud Aamir Khan for different cinema (when his count of experimental movies is like 4 or 5). Again if you dare to say Kamal Haasan, you are shooed away.

6. You need to be in a 'relationship' always - if you break up with one person, you make it up with the next one. If you are ever single, then God save you! If you ever mention that you'd rather for that one person with whom you'd be comfortable with and settle down, you are labelled arranged marriage kinds. They don't realize, you can avoid the arranged marriage crap and still wait till you meet the person, whom you feel is the most compatible with you, instead od the trial and error method that seems to be in vogue. More or less, nowadays, The Fool's Day is celebrated twice a year - once on 02/14 and once on 04/01. And id you refuse to be a part of the first instance, you are again, un-cool.

So going by these many counts, my score on the coolness index is 45 - out of 1000. So I think I can safely call myself a Domer AKA Dork. So what are you?

P.S: Please don't classify this another of my rants or raves. I can say that if I'm a dork based on these parameters, then I"M PROUD TO BE ONE!