Of Dorks and Domers

For those uninitiated, a Dork is this and a Domer is a dumb person in Madras Baashai. Why am I talking about these two words? Well, me being all of 23 years old as on date, I had the gumption to bracket me with the "youth" of today. But sadly, recently, I have come to realize that I'm anything but the "youth" of today. Hours of activity(interaction) in Orkut, Gtalk, Blog and of course, with real live people who represent both sides of the society, I have drawn up a list of things that you must do to be classified to be part of the youth (also synonymous with cool) brigade.

1. First and foremost comes communication. If you don't use "ya" and "da" in your spoken English (well, if its there in your written English, way better - after all, more the merrier), sorry, you are a loser. And the primordial thing is, if you are a guy, you should address the fairer sex as "da". That's one of the first things that you will be taught if you ever got yourself one of those COOLNESS for DORKS books. It beats me how the heck these girls/women find it cool to be addressed as "da"! Perhaps the only reason I can think of this "duh!" - remember the stupid Hyundai commercial over the holiday season? ;-)

2. Capability to talk over the phone for endless hours - this is, again, a very important factor which differentiates the "Dude"s from the Dorks (I don't the female equivalent for DUDE - perhaps am a pathetic Dork, after all!!). I have strict policies of talking not more than 10 minutes on the phone - unless its like some close friends here in Tampa (or at least a couple of them used to live here, with whom I hang out/used to hang out on a daily basis and so have lots to discuss about) or its some stupid Citibank call center guy who puts me on hold! I can't go on and on for an hour or something like that, talking about who-did-what-with- whom kinda crap, even if T-Mobile paid me 50 bucks every month to exploit their weekend minutes. The basic reason why I don't talk over long periods is also because my hands pain if I have to hold my phone for extended periods - wait! its not like I come from caveman times and don't know about Bluetooth - but I find it odd when I'm in a public place and keep talking (seemingly) to myself when using a bluetooth. Cutting the crap and coming to the issue, the youth brigade of today believe in whispering sweet nothings to at least 5 people, all of whom are there in a single conference call!!

3. Manja Sokka, Kizhinja Jeans Trouser and Nike ACG sandals - this is how majority of the youth populace show up when trying to meet a professor for possible funding opportunities. If you try to mutter something like dressed for the occasion kinds, you are treated, not-so-kindly, with a murderous glance and labeled as part of the oldies gang. And the kodumai in all this koothu is that in their quest to look like Hrithik, makkal forget that there are some colors which an average/below average (in plain English, its dark skinned - but then, isn't being cool all about euphemisms?) skin tone guy simply cannot (or rather, should not) wear and all that basic gyaan is left to the winds these days.

4. Kudi and 'Kudi'thanam - You should talk as if the next thing that you were fed, after farex, was Absolut Vodka using a paalaadai (a small feeding vessel for infants in TamBrahm households). If by chance you say that you are a teetotaller, then god save you from the ignominy that follows. You are asked if you religious (I don't know if Krishna or Siva ever asked devotees to be teetotallers in their gizillion avatars and thiruvilayaadals - If I remember right, Krishna was always eager to be under the influence and do Raaslila while Siva partook amudham (aka Nectar aka alcohol like drink) while trying to save the Earthlings. So where does religion come here?) and when you say NO, you are asked if you don't do it because your parents won't like it... God! can't a guy remain to choose what he eats and drinks and left alone for his choices? Does every action of mine need to have a religious or paternal influence over it? And, staying on the topic, to be considered COOL, you should do Vodka - or some other similar drink like Jaegermeister - you do beer and you are classified "Low-class". similarly, you smoke cigarettes and you become just another guy. You need to (or at least claim to) do Hookah, Cigar, Grass - these are considered the in-things.

5. Be Anti-Tamizh - If you speak Tamizh, then sorry, you are the rejected. Hip and Happening makkal only speak 'English' (the language, in which my is substituted by ma/moi, use ur instead of your, and the like) - sometimes interspersed with Hindi keywords like Haajjaar, Junta, Fultoo, Gyaan etc. Listening to ARR or IR is not half as cool as listening to 'gangsta' rap or Himesh "Wolf-Voice" Reshmayya. Its cool to say you find Rajni Kanth to be cartoonish, but applaud the same when done by King Kong - sorry - King Khan in his films. And absolutely, you have to emphasize that Amithabh Bachchan is the finest actor (it is abacharam to even mention Kamal Haassan or Mohan Lal or Mamooty when AB talk is on). And you have to applaud Aamir Khan for different cinema (when his count of experimental movies is like 4 or 5). Again if you dare to say Kamal Haasan, you are shooed away.

6. You need to be in a 'relationship' always - if you break up with one person, you make it up with the next one. If you are ever single, then God save you! If you ever mention that you'd rather for that one person with whom you'd be comfortable with and settle down, you are labelled arranged marriage kinds. They don't realize, you can avoid the arranged marriage crap and still wait till you meet the person, whom you feel is the most compatible with you, instead od the trial and error method that seems to be in vogue. More or less, nowadays, The Fool's Day is celebrated twice a year - once on 02/14 and once on 04/01. And id you refuse to be a part of the first instance, you are again, un-cool.

So going by these many counts, my score on the coolness index is 45 - out of 1000. So I think I can safely call myself a Domer AKA Dork. So what are you?

P.S: Please don't classify this another of my rants or raves. I can say that if I'm a dork based on these parameters, then I"M PROUD TO BE ONE!